ok crew’s dead, guess that means stop sailing the ocean. instead I’m going to join forces with redglare’s dragon and patrol the skies. but we’ll be under cover so no one will recognize us. we’ll both have little mustaches and sunglasses, and ill change my name to MARQUISE HINDBANG
meanwhile I guess I better chill at the expatriate’s house, he owes me for giving him protection after he decided to be the ONLY HIGHBLOODED GUY TO EVER DEFY THE OTHER HIGHBLOODS. because he did a lowerblood. i thought that was cool because i love doing lowerbloods too so I was like SHIIIIT MAN, I GOT SOME GOOD WEBSITES, GET IT WEB BECAUSE I LIKE SPIDERS and then i was spider BUT NO HE JUST KEPT MOANING ABOUT HOW HE WAS BANISHED FOR BREAKING THE RULES and i stopped being spider and just frown
anyway when he finally got to work on making me a new arm, i told him all of my stories about what happened, except I said everything in old english so no one had any idea what the fuck i was saying TH E E ND
my only regret is that i never got to hear her beatbox back at me. i bet her beats would have been SO ILL THAT i would have gotten pneumonia and died. at that point why even risk hanging around for the concert, just take my other arm and beat me to death with it. fuck. dress it up, put some glasses on it and a wig, put some lips on it. make it the band frontman and shit.
but really the only reason im being so sarcastic is because I was mad hatecrushing on her. her booty was a challenge and i had my climbing gear ready to scale mt. applebottom. bought a fucking oxygen tank because you know it takes my breath away. EXPEDITION CANCELLED.
we could have been scourge sisters, it would be like that tv show sister sister except vaguely incestual and a horrifying bloodbath to watch so actually better than that.
ANYWAY it was a good idea to take my arm redglare, because now not only do i have a good idea for my new band but also why does that guy have eyes for nipples.
except the audience was all lowbloods instead of megaman
WOW ARE YOU SUBJUGGULATORS STUPID, why would you give me basically an army of mind control slaves. also staring into the dragons eyes gave me superpowers, you should stare into the sun too. this is daredevil’s origin story.
damn im starting to really like dragons too. i just want to dress up like a dragon and kiss people on the cheek. surprise people like that. i wanna go to dragonland with emmy and ord and wheezy go down the knuckerhole and FUCK I NEED TO IGNORE THESE NEW AND CONFUSING FEMININE URGES
fortunately, the audience, being raunchy low-bloods, could not resist the urges caused by my femininity. and by that i mean i convinced them all redglare was made of chocolate and because low bloods have to eat chocolate to keep their blood chocolately they did it. cue spongebob reference. im choo choo for chocolate puffs, etc. (ps i really am choochoo)
FROM NOW ON THIS JOURNAL WILL BE ILLEGIBLE BECAUSE my arm burned off so im going to be writing with my tongue, like this paper is your face
im writing this from jail, binky the clown and his jungle japes managed to capture me. I thought it was just another funny joke but it turns out they were serious. SERIOUSly they sent one chick and she was only really kinda hot. What reason would I have to fear. besides the fact that biologically troll breasts fire lasers and we could have killed each other at any time.
but seriously sending one person named NEOPHYTE seems like a last ditch effort. i thought i had it all in the bag, and i was ready to check out in the 7 items or less line. BUT as I soon discovered, you can’t judge a book by how big its boobs are. turns out she had other assets….
btw, how the fuck does a middleblood get raised by a GIANT dragon. people of her caste level are usually civil servants that just mow peoples lawns. usually they have bear lususes, or chicken lususes, or the really cool ones get motorcycle lususes and do frontflips out of the brooding cavern and make all the other wrigglers cry. but that only happened once and i just made it up. but thats what i would do if i was a lower caste.
BUT seriously how the fuck did she get a dragon. and a really AWESOME DRAGON.
something blocked the light of the unbitten moon. i say unbitten becuase five seconds later, her dragon literally ate the moon. it then became unseasonably dark as its shadow covered the sky. but thats redundant information because HOLY SHIT, IT ATE THE FUCKING MOON DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID.
i knew there was only one way to beat the dragon, and it was to challenge it to a staring contest, which I always win because I have 8 eyes and everyone else has 2. but that was a mistake because its eyes were MADE OF THE SUN, AND I STARED INTO IT TOO LONG AND ONE OF MY EYES TURNED RED AND DIED. i started blinking repeatedly TO GET THE SUN OUT.
When I regained sight in the other, there was only red.
it was mindfangs ass and it was hypnotic. i couldnt look away even though SHES ON MY DECK and then the fleet was on fire, because her dragon was sick and threw up. THE SUN.
Neophyte turned around gave me one of her ridiculous forced grins.
“MY LUSUS IS NAMED… PYRALSPITE,” she said, except more numbery because she speaks like she’s from Sesame Street.
“I DON’T GIVE A SHIIIIIIIIT,” I sang, drawing my blade and swinging it in the wrong direction. And then I turned around and started hamboning, just, like, slapping my knees and shit. Fronting. And beatboxing. YOU SCARED. YOU SCARED MINDFANG. DRAGON ATE MY LUSUS WHO CARES ILL GET A NEW LUSUS, THATS HOW I ROLL. U SCARED.
Then I started the bootyshake.
I forgot she was blind so she cut my arm off in the middle of my gyrations and flew off on her magic dragon, who ate it like a tiny dorito. leaving me alone, bleeding, on my burning ship. stupid sexy redglare. YOU THINK YOU DONT NEED TO CAPTURE ME TO HAVE MY SUBMISSION??? ILL HAVE YOU YET. SOOn…. soon…. after i get off of this boat….
ok sure put me on trial. im fucking oj simpson over here, im ready.
I wonder how well she knows it’s not what I do with my arms she has to fear?
ummm so binky the clownmaster decided to send NEOPHYTE REDGLARE to hunt me down at dualscar’s request. her nickname should be BOOB SAIBOT, because ive heard she’s quite talented, at having breasts. A RIVAL APPROACHES??? HA HA NO NEVER, I AM THE TITTYMASTER, I ALONE RULE THE MOUND OF MOUNDS
lmao obviously this is a sign the highbloods are GIVING UP… just sending me more ladies, for kicks… wow no wonder I don’t believe in the social order… the times they do get something right are few and far between… those pointy haired idiots….
First, I wake up in the morning. It was a restful slumber - to sleep eternally, yet within the single blink of an eye. Gracefully donning my hat, I step outside to re-examine a hard night’s work.
I gaze upon my property, and a mischievous smile cracks my ancient face. Come, look. All of the worlds, the people I slaughtered. All of the planets I let crumble in my hands. All are in place. Nothing escapes my watchful eye.
But, ah. This joy is fleeting, and a sobering pain grows in my wicked heart. Although I may destroy one universe, I know there is always another one right around the corner. A man’s job is never done - and my lust for wrath is never sated.
Pulling my hat over my eyes, I set out to find a new universe. A fresh one. One that doesn’t make me quite so angry to look at.
I think I know just the one.
Here we are. And I see my entourage is waiting for me. Never a moment too soon, are you? But then again, neither am I.
Well, no need to take our time, gentlemen.
Here it is - a planet, ripe for harvest.
It has it all. Loving families. Couples in love. Children at play. Watch their hands go frail, their limbs go weak. Watch their skin wilt, their bodies quiver. Lips kiss no more. Tears dry up. And then, their blood runs cold.
What a cruel, boring fate. Wouldn’t you agree? I think it’s time to turn back the clock for these poor creatures’ sake.
Let’s spice things up a bit.
Green lightning rains from the heavens, scorching the earth with my own self-righteous flame of judgment.
Run from fate, if you can. All creatures share the same destiny - to be suffocated within the mighty hourglass, to be crushed by the sands of Time!
I float at the center of an emerald tornado. The wind drills into the earth, and the planet begins to crack in two. Verdant lava gushes through the surface and pours through towns and cities, engulfing communities that have not yet been pulverized by the screaming wind. The apocalypse has come.
Maybe a little too much. But no one told me to stop. Onto the rest of this dead universe. Come, friends.
Elsewhere, far off in paradox space, self-appointed heroes hover in front of a Green Star. They are there due to the actions of one of my colleagues, and by destroying the sun, they are participating in a ritual that will allow my summoning within their universe.
As they prepare to make the last leg of their journey, they hesitate slightly. A shiver runs down their collective spines.
They cannot possibly fathom whom they are about to meet.
Even though I’ve been there, among their worlds, the whole time.
When that sun explodes, will they recognize the God of Time for who he is?
The end of that story must wait until another day. For now, I’ll simply look back on a hard day’s work with a smile on my face, wipe the blood off my hands, and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
HEY WHO WANTS TO READ THE HOMESTUCK FANFIC I WROTE ABOUT MY OWN SONG BECAUSE IMBROG ASKED ME WHAT IT REPRESENTED ON FORMSPRING….
“Really it’s just a song using Endless Climb because it’s for Rose’s Denizen battle w/ Cetus but since you asked I’ll go the whole personal-fanfiction mile. IMAGINE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO!!! IF YOU WANT.”
The marble palace lies in a remote part of the ocean floor. After pushing past the pearly greatdoors, traipsing through the main chamber and fighting through hordes of powerful monsters, you finally find what you are looking for - The Room. This is the palace’s heart, and the last of the challenges that the game presents you with before Skaia.
You bravely step inside.
The Room is dry, and lit with a dim, mysterious glow. Ancient runes line the stone walls, and the symbol of Light is engraved in the center of the floor in a show of cruel irony. In the center of the room is a golden ship, filled with holes from years of disrepair. Opals, ancient treasures, and grist pour out of the windows of the vessel. It seems that the horde, for now, is unguarded.
As you approach the center of the room, the dim light fades. An ominous rumbling fills the room. Two huge eyes, like harvest moons, peer angrily out of the holes in the vessel. The symbol of Light in the middle of the room shines a terrible orange.
Suddenly, the ship bursts open. Gold coins rain from the heavens, as belligerent tentacles tear at the walls of the room. Clear water gushes in from the cracks in the walls, and you quickly use your magical needles to sew yourself within an air pocket before you are swallowed up by the rapid current.
The room is filled with water now, and you are overcome with an odd calm. You can see it now, lit by the crackling of your magic needles, between the glinting treasure drifting throughout the room… a terrifying beast, with the legs of the Kraken, the body of Leviathan, and the mouth of a great white shark.
You raise your weapons and smile.
Welcome to the party, Motherfuckers.
A terrible battle ensues, with the Denizen putting up quite a fight, even though you are at the highest level. Your attacks do little to damage its strong hide! It utilizes myriad tricks to try and trap you, and has no problem smashing wildly into the walls of its own fortress. Its only goal is to destroy you, and it will stop at nothing to achieve these ends.
You barely dodge the Denizen’s huge figure as it rockets past you, tearing through the ceiling of the fort AND breaking your personal air bubble. As your robe whips wildly about you, your eyes narrow with realization. You cannot do this alone.
You exit the palace through the freshly made hole in the top, hoping that your backup hasn’t bailed on you. You didn’t think you would need them. The Denizen pursues you as you swim through rocks and cracks en route to the surface, conveniently provided by the undersea mountain shielding the palace’s backside.
On land, a friend waits expectantly.
The closer you come to running out of breath and the closer you get to the surface, the closer the Denizen is behind you. Using your own magical blasts as a last-ditch effort for propulsion, you decide to make a mad break for the surface.
Fortunately, at the same time, a familiar hand is steadying a powerful blunderbuss.
You and the Denizen break the surface one after another at record velocities, just like that scene in Free Willy. Time seems to slow down.
Jade waves excitedly from her vantage point on land. You give her a nod. She takes aim.
A powerful blast of flame spews from the blunderbuss and strikes the Denizen in the eye, cracking its rough carapace. The denizen lets out a great bellow as you both descend into the depths once more.
Blind and filled with unfathomable rage, the Denizen makes a last attempt to tear you to shreds, but all it can smell is its own blood. You decide to take after your mother and clean up. No one messes with Lalonde.
As the Denizen’s corpse sinks to the bottom of the ocean once again, you swim briefly back to the surface and wave back to your comrade. She is delighted to see you. You have learned a powerful lesson about friendship.